I always knew that the day would come where he would need more than I could give him as a mother and a mentor. I’m glad it happened before he was older, because I hold onto the belief that he’ll be back sooner. I just wasn’t ready on last Friday. I definitely wasn’t ready for his mature, well thought out (though at times misguided) reasons for wanting to make this change. Surprisingly, though I felt this small lump in my throat and hole in my heart, I didn’t cry. When he became overcome with his own emotions, I couldn’t cry. I had to reassure him that his need to leave didn’t hurt. Or at least, I didn’t want him to wrongly translate my tears. The smile and lanky figure that slouches out the door at 7:18 every morning won’t be a part of the daily routine for a year. It hurts, not like being left by a person. It hurts like losing an arm.
We’ll talk, of course. We’ll Skype and I’ll fly him back and I’ll visit home more often. But I’ve always maintained that our family is a unit, and it works best when all of us are present. He’s my little buddy, and in a VERY elite group of people (Population: 3) who can claim to be loved by me site unseen. From almost the beginning, I knew he was there. From that moment, something clicked and I was overcome with the need to do everything possible to protect that little creature.
Now, he’s a lumbering giant, who needs more than I can give. I’m totally at peace with that aspect of it. One way or another, every parent has to accept when that time comes. I don’t like his father. I have very good reasons for that. But that is the father I chose for him, and despite his shortcomings, I do know that he loves his son. Whether I fully like this potential arrangement or not, I don’t have the right to deny either of them this opportunity, as they are both willing. If the universe is kind, this experience will cause them both to step up and lead them to being better men. That’s my prayer.
Just knowing that I’m going to be missing this guy tugs at my heart. But, I taught him to be a good kid. There are people who don’t agree and will not agree with my allowing him to move. Sucks for them. I don’t like it. At all. But every soul has a right to connect with the people who brought them here. I have concerns about his father, about him moving back to New Orleans and even if he’ll eat enough vegetables when he’s away from me. But if he doesn’t go, this will always be an issue that nags at him. I almost have to do it.
I am putting all of these good vibes in the air, because I need positivity and blessings to surround my child. That being said I am still a lioness. Look at his picture, remember it and be warned: Don’t fuck with my cub.